A few months ago, I went on meds. The Zoloft was just supposed to relieve some of my suffering for a few months while I found some ways to deal with myself. It wasn’t long before all my anxiety completely and totally dissolved. No more panic attacks, no sweaty palms when talking to new people. My heart beat was always normal unless I was exercising and there were no headaches for miles.
I was more confident and had an easier time talking to people, both folks I know and people I don’t. I even agreed to speak on a panel at Prairie Comic Fest, a commitment which would have landed me vomiting and crying in the bathroom a few years ago.
Life was great. I was cured!
Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
What a silly thought.
The anxiety slowly crept back, although I ignored it until it mounted into a panic attack, leaving me sobbing in frustration. I thought it was gone. I thought I was done with the difficulty breathing and extreme nausea. WTF???
I was back in bed with a throbbing headache and overall feelings of unsteadiness. That was a place I never thought I’d be again.
Anxiety is emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The effort it takes to worry about and fight it off just leaves me more exhausted. So, I think I need to give in.
Dealing with anxiety is fucking hard. There’s no way around it. As much work as I do to be okay, I think I might probably forever have at least the odd anxious day. That understanding has come from talking to friends, reading what others have to say and knowing myself, and it’s fucking crushing.
But the more I accept that this is likely just how I’m going to be skipping through life, the easier I think it’s going to be to deal with it because I won’t be wasting energy having an internal temper tantrum every time I wake up in a panic.
I had a little chat with my doctor and she upped my dose. The plan is to get me to a place where I have almost no anxiety, keep me there for a year and then take a look at my life and discuss slowly coming off them.
That path will be much smoother, I think, now that I understand it’s going to be full of potholes and wrong turns.
On this week’s episode of Ramblings of an Anxious Mess, I talk about how accepting anxiety as a part of my life and who I am has actually helped lessen its grip on me.