Re-motivating or revamping?

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I can get into this wild rolls where I feel like I can do everything I want to. Turning Cockroach into a full-time job, making the arts and culture section of The Uniter kick ass, keeping my apartment clean and balancing all my relationships seems like something I can manage. I pitch new stories and projects, start major and messy crafts, and commit to helping a friends move, clean, cook, everything.

And then something knocks me down. Maybe it’s a sick day or a cruel editor or an interviewee who’s being a huge jerk for no reason. It can be something as small as a friend asking if they can talk to me about their bad day when I’m really busy, sending me into a massive panic attack because I realize that I just can’t do it all. I just can’t.

Fuck.

I’ve been in this slump for a few weeks now. While I’m going through my usual pump-up routine to get myself moving again, I’m realizing that I can’t do everything my life is currently demanding of me. I can’t expand Cockroach while continuing to do so much other work. I can’t keep living in this apartment alone without all the work I do. I can’t get a roommate because I work from home and need the space. I don’t use the space in fun ways because I spend most of my evenings and weekends outside of my home helping friends and family. Because of the time I spend on them, I can’t take care of myself and I burn out.

My dilemma isn’t that simple. There are many more layers of excuses. And that’s just what they are, excuses.

This isn’t a slump I can motivate myself out of. This is a slump I’m not crawling out of until I make some major life changes.

Fuck.

 

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