Along with three sobriety apps, I downloaded SAM on New Year’s Day. It has tools for dealing with anxiety and a chat room, and encourages users to track their anxiety.
The past couple of weeks of tracking my feelings has been something and I learned a few things.
- I still don’t have a clear idea of what being anxiety-free feels like, which makes rating my feelings difficult. On the lower days above, I had a small knot in my chest and the higher days I was on the verge of a panic attack, but wasn’t actually having one. On this scale, I’m not sure how I’d ever get too high up there as rating my feelings on this app during a panic attack isn’t something I’d always be capable of doing. Although, I’m sure that could help me feel better.
- My levels of anxiety start going up after I check my phone in the morning. I usually stay in bed for 10 minutes or so, cuddling my cats and enjoying the quiet. Then, I pick up my phone to see what I missed overnight. I get overwhelmed by all the messages that need to be answered and work that needs to be done, and then I input how I’m feeling and shit’s already gone downhill.
- I’m really fucking stressed out about money. I’ve been scraping by the past two months, but for January rent I was actually transferring $0.17 from here, $1.24 from there, to get enough together. Even on my happiest days, my financial situation is always on the back of my mind.
- People doing shitty things deeply impacts me. I’m not so sensitive as I was when I first started dealing with my anxiety, but I spend far too much time wondering if I could have done something different to save a friendship with someone or if I should have been more assertive when someone was being rude to me.
In general, I’ve been doing a lot better. That doesn’t mean a hell of a lot in the long run, though. I could crash tomorrow and be back to working in bed. Tracking my anxiety is probably going to prepare me for when I’m back to freaking the fuck out on a daily basis.