I love to blame my anxiety on a lot of things that aren’t within my control. According to me, I’m in part miserable because I hate Winnipeg. I can’t leave Winnipeg because I don’t have much money. I don’t have much money because anxiety gets in my way of working.
Now, here I am a 14 hour drive from home, somewhere that’s warmer and where I have time to do things that make me happy, and I’m going through the check-list of things that trigger my anxiety to figure out why I’m so far from feeling human.
The truth is, my brain is going to fall into the same patterns no matter where in the world I physically am.
There are downsides to living in a city—a nature deficit, constant hustle, no where to be alone—but there are downsides to being away. I’m missing my friends, routine, normal diet and hobbies.
A large part of my work to get a handle on my anxiety has been focused on restructuring my life, but that can only do so much. My therapist recently asked me what my biggest source of anxiety currently is. Money. If my money troubles went away, would the anxiety? Nope. I’d find something else to worry about.
A woman who runs a support group for people with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder recommended I read The Worrywart’s Companion. I’m slowly chugging through it and noticing all the ways I let me brain run wild and how that’s hurting me.
Leaving Winnipeg for somewhere with a lower cost of living isn’t going to stop me from obsessing over how much money is coming in and where that’s going to go. Being close to friends and making time for them won’t clear the stress if I let myself analyze every interaction for days.
I know there’s no easy fix for what I’m dealing with. It’s a process that involves making small changes to both my lifestyle and my way of thinking. But it’d be really nice to at least get to a place where getting out of bed is unbearable somedays.