Losing control, increasing anxiety

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This year, my life has been spiralling out of my control.

It started off when I literally lost control of my car. The concussion I got from that left me unable to work with no real timeline of when I’d be able to read or write again. And then I moved to the US and was left unable to work both because of the injury and because I needed to wait for the work permits.

I was up and down, going between a deep depression from being unable to do anything to an optimism that things would get better, but everything fell apart incorrect immigration paperwork was filed and we ended up a month behind the process. I’d initially been on track to be back in Winnipeg for the Vegan Handmade Market I’m running on Dec. 2. Whether or not I make it is now up in the air and is basically out of my control. (But don’t worry, it’ll happen whether or not I’m there.)

There’s so much that can be controlled when you’re an artist. What kind of work you do, how you get it out there. When you work, how much you work. It’s one thing I love about being self-employed. As long as I keep working ahead of my schedule, I can basically do whatever I feel like most days.

But there are always things that are out of my control.

No matter how much I take care of myself, some days the anxiety and depression are going to throw me down. I have no power to make sure an editor accepts my work and doesn’t make so many edits that it is no longer recognizable. I can’t make my work permits come sooner.

For a few years, I’ve had wild nightmares. They almost always revolve around me losing control. I’m driving from the backseat and can’t reach the brakes. I’ve taken my cats somewhere off leash and can’t gather them all back.

Being here is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Yet it seems so easy. Just sit still and wait for everything out of my control to work itself out. It’s a good lesson in finally dealing with my control issues and learning patience, and an opportunity to do so. But how?

When’s a time when everything has fallen out of your control? How did it impact your mental health and what did you do about it? Send me an email at megjcrane@gmail.com or join the discussion on my Facebook page.

 

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