List of reasons to live

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In the past year, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. I’m doing much better, but there was quite a dark period where continuing to live seemed unbearable. This is when I started making lists of things worth living for.

I’ve written quite a bit about my love of lists, besides grocery and to-do lists, I keep a list of activities that will calm me down when I’m incredibly anxious and a list of things and people who make me happy. In a way, the collage of photos on my fridge is a list of people who I love so deeply I can’t help but smile when I look at them.

During a crisis, it’s so hard for me to get my brain working. It’s also critical that I figure a way to do that. So, on top of my many other lists, I’ve made a list of reasons to live.

  • My cats love me so much and they’d be sad without me;
  • I love my cats so much and want to spend all the time cuddling and playing with them;
  • My parents would be so upset;
  • My partner is super awesome and I’m so lucky to have him. I really want to see how our relationship gets more awesome;
  • There are so many books I haven’t read;
  • I still haven’t written my book!;
  • If I died, someone might look at all the snippets of writing and lists of story ideas that are all super raw and unpolished and I don’t want anyone seeing them but me;
  • I have so much stuff. That’d be too much for anyone to go through;
  • There’s a vegan mall in Portland, OR and I have to go there;
  • My yard is huge and it’s ugly and it really needs a beautiful garden. I should be the one to rectify this awful situation;
  • My three nephews are all so cool, clever and funny. I just have to see how they turn out and spend so much more time with them;
  • Although it’s really painful now, I’ll laugh again. I’ll laugh so hard my stomach will hurt and when I think back to that laugh, I’ll start chuckling all over again and it will be beautiful.

Are you as obsessed with list-making as I am? Do you make any unusual lists?

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