In the past year, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. I’m doing much better, but there was quite a dark period where continuing to live seemed unbearable. This is when I started making lists of things worth living for.
I’ve written quite a bit about my love of lists, besides grocery and to-do lists, I keep a list of activities that will calm me down when I’m incredibly anxious and a list of things and people who make me happy. In a way, the collage of photos on my fridge is a list of people who I love so deeply I can’t help but smile when I look at them.
During a crisis, it’s so hard for me to get my brain working. It’s also critical that I figure a way to do that. So, on top of my many other lists, I’ve made a list of reasons to live.
- My cats love me so much and they’d be sad without me;
- I love my cats so much and want to spend all the time cuddling and playing with them;
- My parents would be so upset;
- My partner is super awesome and I’m so lucky to have him. I really want to see how our relationship gets more awesome;
- There are so many books I haven’t read;
- I still haven’t written my book!;
- If I died, someone might look at all the snippets of writing and lists of story ideas that are all super raw and unpolished and I don’t want anyone seeing them but me;
- I have so much stuff. That’d be too much for anyone to go through;
- There’s a vegan mall in Portland, OR and I have to go there;
- My yard is huge and it’s ugly and it really needs a beautiful garden. I should be the one to rectify this awful situation;
- My three nephews are all so cool, clever and funny. I just have to see how they turn out and spend so much more time with them;
- Although it’s really painful now, I’ll laugh again. I’ll laugh so hard my stomach will hurt and when I think back to that laugh, I’ll start chuckling all over again and it will be beautiful.
Are you as obsessed with list-making as I am? Do you make any unusual lists?