I kinda hate everything


Last weekend, I ran a super successful event. Beforehand, I was nervous no one would come to the Vegan Handmade Market, but in the end the turnout was so good, many of the vendors said they had the best sales of the year there, better than ComicCon! Even while everything was going good in the busy room, I had trouble staying positive.

A couple of ex-friends were possibly going to be coming to the event and most of the day, my mind was on them.

I played out the possible ways interactions between us could unfold and took myself through everything that happened before the fallout of the relationships, wondering what, if anything, I had done wrong and why everything had gone so sour.

Meanwhile, many friends who I did not expect to see showed up to support me, then stayed for quite a while because they were enjoying themselves.

These four hours is a great example of my entire life. I try to focus on the positive—the friends who love me, the family who supports me, the great projects I get to work on—but instead my head is clouded by the small things that go wrong.

For months, I’ll wonder why someone flipped me off when I was driving because I’m sure I did nothing wrong. I go over arguments I’ve had with friends and wonder why they didn’t want to keep talking until we’d worked things out. I’ll dwell on these situations by myself and with others. I’ll get reassurance that what happened is or was out of my control. I did nothing to cause that other person to act how they did. Or I’ll come to understand exactly what I did wrong and how I could act differently next time, and I just can’t move on from there. It’s almost like my brain thinks if I play it out the right way enough times, I’ll get a do-over.

A couple weeks ago, I created this:

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My intention was to write/draw one thing each night that makes me happy. I’ve obviously missed more than a couple of nights, but just having it there helps. Throughout the day, I’ll dwell on the good things that happened and start to decide which one thing I’m going to put energy into showing I’m grateful for.

Today, is it great conversations with my partner? Or should I save how much we’ve improved our communication skills with one another for another day and instead draw a cup of that hot cocoa I got from Sheila of Shiver Soaps? Maybe today the most important thing is that I have a princess bed or that the snow is fluffy and fun?

It’s a little step, but it’s already encouraging me to focus more on all the lovely things in my life, like cuddles with my David!